


Duo Maxwell's Island

by GokuGirl



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-09
Updated: 2001-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-10 18:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4402616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Gilligan's Island parody. Duo, Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Relena, and Dorothy are stranded on a deserted island.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the theme song of this fanfic see http://www.gokugirl.com/fanfics/gokugirl/di_theme.html

Duo Maxwell helped the extrodinarily strong Heero Yuy push WingZERO to the beach. Or rather Heero pushed and Duo talked him to death. On the beach, Relena Peacecrap er Peacecraft and Dorothy Catalonia had Trowa Barton and Quatre Winner carry them to shore as not to "get their feet wet".

"HEERO~O! When are we getting off this horrid island HEERO?!" Relena wailed in her high-pitched, annoying voice.

Heero pointedly ignored her and set about getting things from his ship. Relena walked right up to him and shrieked into his ear.

"HEEERO~OOO!"

Heero turned, glared, growled, and spouted 'Omae o Korosu' all in one smooth move. The Queen of the World backed up a little, blinked, and walked away.

Duo sweatdropped and began to help Heero.

"One, onna, we don't know that it's an island. Two, your voice is getting on my nerves so please SHUT UP!" Wufei shouted.

"Amen to that," Dorothy muttered.

Relena began to pout, uncutely. But then soon busied herself by looking at Heero's tightly spandex clad posterior. _I wonder what he wears; boxers or briefs?_

Wufei left soon after to scout out the land (and get away from Peacecrap) while Trowa and Quatre looked for things to make shelter.

"It looks like we're going to be here a while," Relena's face darkened but it got brighter when she realized she would be stranded with the object of her obsession. "so we'll need to and try to contact someone." Heero finished.

Duo came over. "Since it was a missile that got us this way in the first place, I don't think there will be anything that could get through that."

"You may be right, braid boy." Dorothy said. She had just finished filing her nails and was basically on stand by until Relena whined in her general direction again.

Duo jumped, realizing something. "My hair! My wonderful, beautiful hair! I won't be able to wash it unless it rains and I get some fresh water! I can't use salt water!"

Heero snorted. "Baka. You need to cut it off."

Duo glanced at him, shocked, and began to pet his braid. "Don't even joke like that, Hee-chan. That's not funny. The braid is just an innocent bystander." He began to mutter quietly to _his_ object of obsession. His hair. "It's okay. Heero didn't mean it. Nothing will happen to you as long as Shinigami lives."

"I can change that." Heero pulled a gun out of...somewhere and pointed it at Duo.

"HEERO!" he shrieked and began to run. "I'm not worth the waste of bullets! Don't do it! I'm too young, and too sexy, to die!"

Dorothy sweatdropped and turned to Quatre and Trowa, who were no where in sight. She stood and started to look around and saw a bush, shaking.

"Uh, okay..." she walked over, peeked over the top, and paled. Backing away, she shook her head. _Mental note to self: When you see a bush shake, ignore it._

After a while, Heero gave up chase of Duo and started to order everyone around instead.

"You!" he pointed at Dorothy, "Build a fire! You!" he pointed at Relena, "Go with Duo to hunt for food--"

"Wait a minute! You're sending Relena to hunt?!" Duo asked in disbelief. "I think you should send Dorothy with me."

Quatre stuck his head up from his bush. "I agree."

Heero shrugged. "Fine. Dorothy, go hunt. Quatre and Trowa, stop groping each other in the bushes and help out with the shelter. There are some bamboo over there and get some palm tree leaves."

"May I ask what you're going to do?" Duo asked him.

"I," Heero began, "am going to finish unloading the boat. Relena's getting her stuff because I'm not the one who brought their whole wardrobe."

"Me? Do work?" Relena asked incredulously. "No way!"

"No work, no shelter and NO EAT!" Heero shouted.

"Fine." Relena began to sulk as she helped Heero. _At least this gives me a chance to get closer to him!_

***

It only took Wufei about 3 and a half hours to cover it all. _It's an island all right. Why did I have to get stuck on a deserted on with those fools! K'so!_

He suddenly came upon a dark-skinned native family in traditional garb -- man, woman, and child -- by a boat that he assumed they used to get there. The girl spotted him.

"Oooh! You're a pretty boy! I like you!" She turned to her father. "Father, can I have him?"

"Sure you can. Whatever my daughter wants, she gets." The woman nodded. The girl grinned and promptly glomped Wufei.

"Onna! What is the meaning of this injustice?!"

"I like you and I want to keep you!"

"NANI?! Unhand me woman!" 

"Never!"

Wufei peeled her off and started to run back to where they landed on the island. The girl kept up chase. "This is fun!"

***

Trowa and Quatre had finally figured out how to make sturdy structures when they saw a blur zoom by.

"Oi Wufei! What's wrong with you?" Quatre called. Wufei barely turned around and pointed behind him. The blond turned and saw the girl. "Nani?!"

"Come back boyfriend! I love you!"

Quatre stifled his laughs and and then said to Trowa. "I think we ought to follow them."

"I think you're right."

***

Dorothy and Duo came back with some coconuts and berries. "Gomen nasai, but we really don't have the right tools to hunt animals!" Duo said.

"HELP! Get this onna away from me!"

Dorothy and Duo stopped in their path to let the hysterical Chinese boy go by. Wufei jumped onto a palm tree and began to climb. Heero reached out and grabbed the girl.

"Let me go! Daddy!" 

Then a spear hit the tree next to Heero's head. "Unhand my daughter, white man."

Heero shook his head, calmly. "Call your daughter off Wufei."

The man sighed. "Baby, stop stalking the asian."

His daughter began to pout, then sniff, then her vocal chords produced a wail that rivaled even Relena's. "BUT DADDY! I WANT TO HUG HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM AND HAVE HIM FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!"

"Then you will." he snapped his fingers and a whole crowd of natives jumped out of hiding. He snapped them again and they all pointed their spears at the nearest person, Duo. "Let her go or the braided one dies."

Duo's eyes got large and he began to protest. "Hey! You're not going to let them kill me are you?!"

"SILENCE!" One barked and a spear nearly came in contact with him.

Heero pretended to think it over. Then he sighed. "Iie. Even trade?"

The chief nodded. Heero pushed his daughter over to him while the natives pushed Duo to Heero, who glomped him.

"Arigatou Hee-chan! I always knew you cared!"

Heero clinched his teeth. "Don't make me regret my decision."

Duo shut up.

"You," the chief motioned to Wufei. "will marry my daughter. Tomorrow at sunrise." Then he had his tribe members shake Wufei down from the tree. As they carried him off, protesting, the chief said one last thing. "We will camp on this island and you are invited."

* * *

Poor Wufei! Will he have to marry that girl? What about Quatre and Trowa, will they ever build a shelter instead of lip wrestle? Stay tuned for the next episode of Duo Maxwell's Island!


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, Duo, Heero, and the rest were sitting around the campfire worrying about how to rescue Wufei.

"Oh just let him go off and get married to that native girl!" Dorothy said. 'He was so disrespectful to me anyway."

"But we can't do that to a fellow gundam pilot!" Quatre protested. "Not to mention the fact that he's our friend."

"Fine then. You go get him. I'm going to sleep." Dorothy stood and marched over to a leaning shake-like structure.

"Oh Dorothy! Don't go in...there," Quatre finished weakly. As soon as she went through the crooked entryway the whole thing collapsed taking her down with it.

"Get me out of here!" The girls' arms flailed about helplessly as she tried to free herself. The ones by the fire did a collective group shrug and continued their planning.

"So how about we go and blow their camp to hell?" Duo asked eagerly. "During the confusion we'll just go in there and make a rescue attempt."

"That would be a good plan Duo, if we had explosives. Do you see any lying around here?" Heero asked sarcastically.

Duo just made a face in response and stuck out he tongue.

"Don't do that unless you're willing to use it," Heero warned.

Duo smirked at that. "Who said I wasn't?"

"Guys! We have to save Wufei now!" Quatre interrupted.

"I agree with Dorothy. Leave him there." Relena sniffed. "He wasn't much use to anyone anyway."

"Relena, when we want your opinion we'll ask for it." Trowa said quietly. It was the first time he has spoken during this whole situation.

"Hai. Please listen to Tro-chan," Quatre snuggled up to him further and smiled.

"Wait a minute! I have the perfect idea!" Duo jumped up from the sand and grinned evilly in Relena's direction.

"Uh Duo? Why are you looking at me like that?" Relena, eyes wide, crab walked until she bumped into a palm tree.

"Guys grab her and lets go!"

***

"PUT ME DOWN _NOW_!" Relena yelled for the hundredth time. They had her hogtied with some rope from the crashed boat and she was thrown over Heero's shoulder. To add gasoline to the fire Duo was constantly making faces at her from only a few feet away.

Heero grimaced at her latest series of squeals. "Couldn't we have gagged her?"

Duo sighed sadly at the thought. "We didn't have any fabric and I damn sure wasn't going to use one of my shirts for her!"

"Nor was I," Quatre paused from his attention to Trowa.

"..." Was his koibito's response. "..... ........ .... ............"

"I feel the same way Tro-chan!"

Duo turned to them and raised an eyebrow. "Do you guys have some kind of silent communication thing going on or something?"

Quatre gave him a strange look. "Iie. Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Nevermind."

"Shh. We're almost there." Heero whispered back. Nodding Duo took a rock from the ground and without cleaning it off, shoved it into Relena's mouth. Taking a spare piece of rope out of a pocket, he wrapped it around her head, effectively keeping it in place and silencing her.

"Nice knot," Trowa commented.

"Arigatou."

Faint yells were coming from native camp. As they got closer the identified them as Wufei.

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU DISHONORABLE CURS! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE, NOW!! MAXWELL! YUY! BARTON! ANYBODY? HELP!!!"

Breaking through the tree cover, Duo burst out laughing at the sight.

Wuffie-chan was tied to a stake in the middle of the camp. Several natives danced around him as the flames from the small fire licked at his toes. To make it worse, they had completely stripped him and he was straining to cover his groin and blushing at the same time.

"What happened to you? I thought you were getting married!" Heero called out.

"That stupid onna changed her mind! They decided to sacrifice me to their god instead! You gotta help me!"

That was when the men surrounding Wufei whipped out spears and pointed them at the small group. Dropping Relena unceremoniously on the ground, Heero brought his gun out of spandex space and leveled at the chief.

"Before you kill me or any of the others, your chief will be on the ground, a bullet in his brain."

"Calm down!" Duo turned on his charm. "We came here to give you a present."

The chief stood from his wooden throne and glanced around. "Where is it?" he asked eagerly.

"It's a _she_ ," Duo corrected. Then he added something else under his breath. "Though I have yet to see an official confirmation. Who's to say she didn't get the "operation"."

Quatre snickered and then covered his mouth. "Duo! That wasn't very nice!"

The braided boy shrugged. "I wasn't supposed to be."

Heero lowed his weapon slightly and picked up the conversation. "Are you going to take her or not?"

"YES!" Wufei shouted from his stake, "TAKE HER NOW!!"

The chief approached Relena and ran his hand along her face. "Yes. She will do nicely." Snapping his fingers he motioned to his guards. "Take her and prep her for the Ritual. She will be my wife."

Relena's eyes grew larger and she squealed behind her gag. Squirming she was dragged away to a nearby tent.

Wufei was untied and they handed him his clothes, he hurriedly dressed behind a bush because he saw some of those natives giving him funny looks.

Duo dusted off his hands and started back up the faded path. "Good! That's now taken care of, how are we gonna get off this island?"

"Oh we'll think of something."

***

"Quatre! Trowa! Get the hell out of those bushes and come here! You're food's getting cold!" Duo yelled in the direction of the forest that night. "Don't you two do anything else besides screw each other silly?"

"Hai," Quatre emerged first pulling Trowa behind him. He opened his mouth to respond and Duo shushed him.

"That 'hai' was enough. You don't have to elaborate."

They couple sat next to Heero and looked into the fire. "What are we having?" Trowa asked. "And where's Dorothy?"

Heero sat next to Duo and gave them a look. "Just wanted to warn--er _tell_ you that Duo cooked it."

"That means it is now unidentifiable," Wufei sat crossed legged and dodged when Duo took a mock swing at him. "That Catalonia onna is taking a bath in the--"

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Dorothy streaked by, naked and still dripping water, screaming.

All five pilots jumped up. "What? What's wrong?" Quatre asked.

"A horrid beast is chasing me!" She ducked behind Wufei and tried to use him as a shield.

A bush shook from where she had come from. All five males tensed in anticipation when a little kawaii rabbit hopped out and wiggled it's nose at them.

"Ah! It's the attack of the killer bunnies!" Duo shrieked and jumped into Heero's arms. The Perfect Soldier rolled his eyes and dropped him.

"Quit acting like a baka."

"Ow Hee-chan!" he whined as he put on a pouting face, "That hurt..."

"Don't even ask me to kiss it and make it better."

"Now who's having hentai thoughts?" Quatre smirked.

Ignoring Dorothy they all sat down to another charred meal courtesy of Shinigami.


	3. Chapter 3

That next morning came too early from Duo's taste. He threw an arm over his eyes and rolled over, burying his face in Heero's chest.

"Hee-chan, close the curtains," he mumbled. "It's too early to get up."

"Duo-kun, we're on a tropical island and that's not Heero you're snuggling against. It's Dorothy."

"OH MY GOD!" He jumped up and grabbed at the thin blanket that was covering. "I thought what I was against was a little too soft..."

Quatre broke out into a fit of giggles and drank more of the substance in his cup. Duo walked over and peered in a little surprised at the contents.

"Q-man, how in the world did you brew _tea_ on this island?"

"I didn't. It was Wufei. I swear he could get water to boil in Antarctica."

Wufei smiled proudly and offered Duo a cup.

Duo wrinkled his nose. "Don't you have any soda?"

Wufei's eyes narrowed and he raised his head up high. "Maxwell, this is perfectly fine tea. It is from my ancestral homeland. There was plenty of jasmine growing wild here."

"Just drink the damn tea Duo," Heero came up to them carrying a communicator. He sat down on a boulder near the fire and proceeded to try and fix it.

"EEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHH," something wailed in the distance. All jerked their heads up and Dorothy woke from her slumber.

"What the hell is that?" Duo asked. "And why does it sound like someone-"

"Or something," Quatre gulped.

"Is trying to kill it?" Duo finished.

Wufei grabbed his katana and started off towards the woods. "The most honorable thing would be to at least put the beast out of it's misery."

The rest grabbed their guns and went off after him.

"You stay here Dorothy," Quatre called back. "If something bothers you just yell to us."

"We'll _try_ to make it back to save you," Duo smirked. "If not, we can always plan a beautiful burial."

Then without looking back, they ran towards the sound.

***

 _Darkness everywhere. The trees are closing in, smothering me._

Relena Peacecraft ran wearily through the forest, away from the tribal camp. She had been going all night trying to get back to her Heero, no matter if Duo was there or not.

Then she had stepped on a nest of red, fire ants and the burning sensation had ran up her leg resulting in the deathly eerie wail that erupted from those cursed vocal chords.

"EEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Grabbing her leg and hopping around on one foot, she tripped over a log and collapsed; spraining the other ankle and smashing her face into a sharp rock.

"Ow...."

"Hissssssss," something, uh, hissed.

"Oh no! Please don't tell me that's a snake!" Since Relena actually thinks that something else would hiss beside a snake, let's turn up the danger a notch. 

The anaconda hissed again and slowly began to slither towards her.

{author note: I know those snakes are only native to South America but this is Relena bashing! Isn't this just delightful?}

Relena swallowed hard and started to creep backwards. She had heard of them and of course had seen part of the movie. Those snakes are about thirty feet long and three feet thick. They also ate any animal that was stupid enough to cross their paths. But she had failed to remember the most important thing about them.

Anacondas are big enough to eat people as well.

Relena held out her hands and tried to placate it like she would a dog. "Nice snake. Easy snake. Good boy!"

But the snake would not cease. She tripped again {::snicker::} she paused to rub her leg again. That was all the time it took for the snake to be upon her.

Without even stopping to smother its prey like it usually it unhinged it's jaw, spread wide its mouth and swallowed her whole.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, but it was muffled. The snake slowly sucked her in, savoring the taste of her flesh. Her feet was still kicking when the G-Boys broke through the dense brush. Quatre was the first one to notice he gasped, faltered a bit, the stopped completely.

"Guys...."

Trowa gazed over his head. "What is is Little One?"

His koi squealed and jumped into his arms, shaking. Trowa looked at him, the only sign to show that he was surprised was the fine, brown eyebrow that was raised slightly.

Duo darted forward and into the small clearing. He also stopped, stunned beyond belief, and slowly tip-toed back to the others.

"Snake," he babbled. "Big snake. _Huuuuge_ snake."

"K'so Maxwell! Are you afraid of a small lizard?" Wufei asked. "Are you weak? I shall smite it with my blade!"

"NO WUFEI!" But the chinese boy did not listen. He raised his katana high into to the air and charged into the clearing.

"Oh god..."

***

Wufei looked at the ground for a sign of the snakes' passing. _Hn. Worried over a stupid reptile._ He continued to walk until his feet hit something brown. _Only a log. I'll just go over it._

Then he raised his gaze. A little more. Then some more until he was looking at the whole section of the snake. Wufei's angled eyes widened some and he backed up. Taking a deep breath he willed himself not to shout but it was practically hopeless.

"ANACONDA!"

The others came running as Wufei knew they would. This time Duo was the first to notice something.

"Is that snake having breakfast?"

Heero snorted. "Baka, it's past noon."

The braided boy rolled his eyes. "Whatever. But isn't it eating something?"

The others peered a little closer and the blond Arabian gasped. He recognized that ankle bracelet.

_(flashback)_

_Quatre noticed the slim strip of gold that flashed in the bright sun around Relena's left ankle. He admired it for a few seconds before he had gathered up the courage to question her about it._

_"Relena, that's nice. Where did you get it?" he asked._

_Relena glanced askance and then snorted. "My mother gave it to me just before we left the port. It's nothing really."_

_(end flashback)_

"That's Relena in there!" The small boy gasped.

"NANI?!" The others all shouted in unison. Quatre ran forward and grabbed at her leg.

"We can't just let her die!" That Quatre, always too sensitive.

"Q-man," Duo began kindly. "In actuality, we're doing the world and the colonies a _huge_ favor! Let her go."

"I can't Duo!" the boy turned to huge, teary, puppy eyes full force on the entire group. "It would be wrong."

"No Quatre! Don't look at me that way!" They all cried, trying to shield themselves But they felt it on them. Defeated they all either grabbed an appendage or a person and started to pull.

After about five minutes, Relena flew out with a sickening wet and audible _pop!_ {Do snakes even have saliva?} Everyone fell back like dominoes, Relena at the top of the pile.

Duo and Quatre were the first to recover since they were near the top of the stack, hauling the shrieking Peacecrap to her feet, they bodily lifted her. The whole procession looked back once and ran full tilt towards the beach.


	4. Chapter 4

Duo scratched off another mark on a nearby palm tree. He had started marking off the days from the beginning saying that he wanted a least some form of civilization and that the calendar would do.

"How many days D-chan," Quatre asked from where he was leaning against Trowa on the sand.

Duo sighed and counted quickly. "14 days."

"Fourteen days...." Quatre trailed off. Then his eyes teared up and his lip began to tremble. "I don't wanna stay here any longer Tro-chan!" he wailed.

Trowa hugged him and tried to calm him down but the blond's sobs just got worse.

"I miss my houses, my violin, my bed!"

Trowa blushed slightly at that.

"I miss Rashid!" He calmed down and looked at Trowa. "And do you know what I miss most off all?"

"Yes Little One?"

"I miss playing duets with you," he said quietly.

Trowa sighed softly and held him closer.

Duo smiled at the pair from his tree and looked at Heero.

"Hee-chan! Oh Hee-chan!"

"What is it Duo?" Spandex Boy growled.

"Do you wanna know what I miss?" he asked.

"No." But Duo told him anyway.

"I miss seeing how many ways I can make you squeal." Wufei, who was currently passing by at the moment, made a choking sound and clutched at his newly bleeding nose.

"K'so!" He ran off to wash it off.

Duo snickered as he plopped down onto Heero's lap. "By the way, how's Peacecrap and Freaky Eyebrows doing?"

A small smirk tugged at his koi's lips. "They've been quite...agreeable."

Muffled squeals and grunts were heard as the two blonds tried to free themselves from their bonds. Heero and Duo had tied them each to their own tree sometime ago and added gags as well.

"I think that it's time to feed them now," Heero continued.

"Dorothy didn't do anything wrong though!" Quatre cried.

Duo covered his eyes with one hand and pointed at the ocean. "Before you turn the 'look' on me, how about trying to find us a way off this stupid island!"

"He's right Little One," Trowa got to his feet and helped Quatre up as well. "We really need to leave."

The pair walked off toward the boat.

"Hey!" Duo called after them. "Stay away from the bushes today, alright? I wanna go home!"

First he moved to Dorothy and removed the sock that was stuck in her mouth. Dorothy started to spit and glared at him.

"Did I forget to wash that first?" Duo asked innocently. "Oh my!"

"Drop the act, Duo. When are you going to untie me?"

"Well, considering what Quatre said I guess I could let you go now...." He was rewarded with a hopeful look. "But you have to do something for me..."

"Anything!" she exclaimed.

"All right!" he sat down before her on the sand. "This is what you have to do..."

***

"How much more?" Dorothy grunted as she wrung the water out of one of Duo's black priest shirts. "He grinned hugely and pointed to four other piles.

"You still have Tro-chan's, Hee-chan's, Wu-chan's, and Quat-chan's laundry to do." He turned back to the path, pausing only for one moment to tell her something else. "Oh and Quatre wants his underwear extra white. The boy can spot dirt a mile away so it better be washed good!"

Dorothy growled and moved on to another pile. Duo smirked at her one last time and then continued.

"WUFEI! I'm hungry!"

Wufei's head snapped up from where he was sharpening his sword. He blushed a dark crimson and pointed further into the jungle.

"Don't come to me for that!" his eyes widened at the unintentional pun and he glared at the braided boy. "Yuy's further up the trail. I suggest you take him up on that offer."

Duo snorted and walked closer. "I need _real_ food Wufei not--"

The chinese pilot cut him off with a shake of his head. "Please don't continue."

Duo rolled his eyes. " _Anyway_ , go hunt something. You're the only one with a good weapon. We ran out of bullets two days ago because Hee-chan was using rats for target practice again."

"Maxwell, I am _not_ your personal restaurant!"

The other boy pouted cutely and gave him the puppy dog eyes. "Please? Pretty please with Treize on top?"

A geyser of blood spurted from Wufei's nose almost immediately. "KISAMA!"

"You thought that we didn't know?" Duo asked, truly amazed. "How many times can one person worship Nataku, 'find themselves', and duel all in one week?" He sat on the rock next to his friend and leaned forward. "Was Zechs there too?"

Now Wufei had to use both hands to contain the blood. "MAXWELL!"

Duo just about fell of the boulder in his laughter. He held up his hands in a soothing gesture. "Okay I'll stop! I'll stop! I don't want you passing out from blood loss or anything."

The other boy answered by raising his newly honed blade and pointed it at his neck. Holding his head high he shrieked a phrase that had passed Heero's lips many times before.

"OMAE O KOROSU!!"

Duo eeped once and was out of there like a bat out of hell.

***

"HEERO~OOOO! WUFFIE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!"

"It's WuFEI!"

Heero looked up from where he was trying to piece together one of those shacks that they had started to build the first day. They never did get it to stay up for more than one night. Heero's Perfect Soldier training just did not cover construction.

He stood up and barely spared a glance at his koibito as he hid behind him.

"Wufei, put the katana down."

The chinese boy hesitated at his firmly spoken words but in the end, his pride won out. As always.

"Not until he apologizes to me."

"Duo," Heero's tone commanded an explanation, "what did you do to him?"

Duo whistled nonchalantly. "Why, whatever do you mean?"

"DUO!"

"Okay! Okay! I just teased him about screwing Treize and he got a nosebleed."

"He's with General Khusrenada?" Quatre's head poked up from a large bush. He and Trowa were obviously going at it again.

"Yeah. I thought you guys knew! And I told you to stay away from those bushes!"

Wufei's glare became even fiercer, if possible. He waited impatiently for an apology Duo had no intention on giving him.

Heero smirked and whispered something to his koi. Duo responded almost at once by profusely apologizing to the fuming chinese boy and gathering his up in an affectionate hug. He then ran off down the path, checking to see how Dorothy was coming along.

Quatre's brow wrinkled in confusion as he processed the scene before him. "What in the world did Heero say to him?"

Trowa noticed and recognized the look on the japanese boy's face. He nodded in understanding and responded to the blond's question. "He just reminded Duo that he wanted to do the three S' tonight." At Quatre's questioning look, he continued. "Screwing, sucking, and sex in general."

"Ah."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey everybody!" Duo called out the next morning. "I think I found a way off of this damn island!"

Everyone perked up immediately and made their way over to the braided pilot.

Heero voiced a concern that he had been going over the whole time that they were there. "I wonder if OZ won yet? I mean, we can't do anything because we're stuck here."

"Of all the times those crackpot doctors had to get nice and give us time off...." Duo trailed off and threw a rock into the small lake that they did their washing and clothes cleaning. "And Heero had to go and insist that he knew how to drive a boat!"

"How was I supposed to know that a missile would hit and try to sink us. Don't blame me! Quatre was the one who suggested that town."

Trowa instantly rose to his koi's defence. All four of them began to bicker until Wufei cleared his throat loudly.

"What was your plan again Maxwell?"

Duo's large amethyst eyes blinked in confusion for a second before he remembered. "Oh yeah! We're going to build a raft!"

"A raft?" Quatre questioned. "Do you even know how far we are away from the mainland?"

Duo just dismissed that question with a wave of his hand. "We'll need to take supplies along. Wuffie-chan, we're gonna need your katana to cut the wood."

"You're going to use MY sword to cut wood?" Wufei said in amazement without even bothering to correct Duo's mutilation of his name. "My precious blade will be used in something other than slicing flesh?"

Duo nodded impatiently. "Hai. Unless you never want to have sex again. We're not giving you any and since you hate women..."

Wufei shuddered at the mere thought of getting his jollies with either Dorothy or Relena. Sighing heavily he adoringly stroked his sheath covered sword before handing it over. "Let's go."

***

Duo wiped sweat from his forehead and pulled off his white undershirt, tossing it to the side. It was several hours later and they still weren't anywhere near finished.

"Dorothy! I need some more vines!"

The Catalonia girl looked at him with disdain. "And?"

"GET YOUR ASS MOVING AND DO IT!!"

She gave him a heated glare before she moved off into the jungle.

"Hee-chan, I'm sorely tempted to just leave her here."

"Duo, at least she did help some. Relena hasn't done a thing." Quatre said, carrying some freshly cut planks over to Duo.

"You've got to remember, Little One," Trowa said in his quiet voice, "she is still tied to that tree."

"Yeah. I didn't want to hear her whine the whole time, did you?" Duo asked.

Heero shuddered at the mere mention of her awful voice and checked to see if Duo's knots would hold. When he talked during his work, things tended to not be of the best quality.

Wuffie grunted as he sawed at the particularly tough area. "Can we stop for a break? I'm the one doing all of the work! And besides, I need to sharpen the now dull edge of my katana."

***

A few more hours later had them looking at a now finished floating platform.

"As soon as we get back, I'm taking Shinigami and I'm going to KILL those bastard scientists!" Duo growled.

They gathered up all of the things that they were taking with them and piled it on the raft, tying it down securely. Everyone got on and Heero pushed it out, climbing on last.

"HEY! WAIT FOR ME!!" Dorothy screamed as she sprinted down the beach. She took a flying leap at the edge and landed heavily on top of Quatre.

The raft shuddered once and then the whole things collapsed under their combined weight, sending them instantly into the deep water.

Swimming to shore and dragging his things behind them, Duo collapsed on his back on the warm sand.

"Freaky Eyebrow Girl, I would kill you but I'm too tired."

"I can't because my sword is now blunt!" Wufei panted.

"You gave me a bruise!" Quatre said as he examined his side. He tried to lunge at her but Trowa held him back.

"With his fair skin, you'll be able to see it very clearly," Trowa said softly.

Heero just glared silently as he contemplated ways to maul her once he felt better. He had swallowed a lot of water going down.

Duo sat up after a good five minutes and proceeded to wring the salty water out of his hair. "Man! Now I have to go and wash it again." He shot Dorothy a dirty look. "I should make you do it and comb it out afterward too." He sighed in annoyance and walked over to Relena's tree. "I guess I should let her down now. She should have learned her lesson by now."

He untied her and left her there to rub the feeling back into her numb arms and legs.

"You better had let me down! I am the princess of the Sanc Kingdom you know! You can not harm me!"

"Don't tempt me," Everyone, excluding Dorothy, muttered to themselves. 

Duo grabbed the Catalonia girl by her shirt and dragged her up the path to the small lake. "You are going to wash my hair and make it good. It shouldn't take you more than an hour or two to wash it, comb it out, and braid it. And I want that braid neat!"

***

"Do you have any ideas to get us off this island, Heero?" Quatre asked about 15 minutes later. He had stopped pouting over his bruise and now was sitting on the beach trailing a stick through the sand, making patterns.

"If I did, they would have worked and we would be gone," Heero muttered.

Quatre rolled his eyes and moved on. "Tro-chan?"

"Gomen nasai Little One, but I am lost."

Quatre merely nodded and moved to Wufei. "Wufei..."

"Iie! Don't even ask!"

The small blond flinched slightly and looked to Relena. "Nevermind about her." Standing, he proceeded to stretch and yawn. "Well I'm tired." He shot a glance to Trowa and winked a little. The unibanged bishounen stood as well.

"I'm tired also...."

Heero looked up sharply. "If you want to go and have sex just say so. There's no need for you to try and disguise it."

"KISAMA!" Wuffie yelled before his nose began to bleed. "I UTTERLY DESPISE YOU, YUY!!" He took off for the lake.

Heero smirked a bit before he glanced at Relena, who had a disgusted expression on her face.

"At least they're getting some."

And Trowa and Quatre were gone.

***

"ITAI! Stop yanking on my hair!"

Dorothy growled and spoke. "Did you really have to strip almost naked for me to wash your hair?"

"Do you have a better way to do it? We had to get _into_ the water and I don't want my clothes wet!"

It had taken them almost the whole 15 minutes they were away to stop arguing and to direct Dorothy on how to do her task correctly.

Then Wufei came crashing through the jungle, clutching at his nose. Kneeling at the edge, he started to scrub his face.

"Hey Wuffie-chan! Did someone mention _sex_ again around you?" asked the braided boy.

"K'so!" he howled as a fresh stream of blood gushed out.

"Why are you so uptight anyway?" Dorothy questioned. "I would think that screwing Treize would be an enlightening experience for you."

"You know too?!" Wufei shrieked.

"Of course." She rinsed Duo's hair a final time and started to leave the water. "Who doesn't?"

"You mean Relena knows as well?"

Dorothy snorted. "Relena-sama is in her own little world, you should know that. One where Heero is her prince, Duo is just a court jester, and they have about 6 children."

"Hey! I resent that!" Duo exclaimed. Then he cringed at the thought of half a dozen little Relenas. After checking his object of affection to make sure that it was soap free, he walked out and sat on a log. "Okay, now you have to comb it out."

Wufei thought about her remark about Relena for a little while. "6 little people with the personalities of both Peacecraft and Yuy combined would make the world a scary place indeed."


	6. Chapter 6

A few days later, Relena was filing her nails on the beach when the radio next to her on the blanket, recently messed with by Heero Yuy himself, started to crackle with static. Relena jumped, startled, and stared at it.

"What the..?" She said softly as she cocked her head in confusion. Then the burst of sound was heard again. Fiddling with a few dials, she picked up the communication and pushed the button on the side.

"Uh, this is Relena Peacecraft, the Queen of the World. May I ask who's calling?" She released the button and waited.

The voice came in a bit clearer and she strained to hear.

"Hai, this is Hope. We're over the Pacific Ocean where is your location?"

"Uh, I think we're by Hawaii but I could be wrong. We're stranded with no way home! Can you please help us?!"

"My crew and I will search the area," the woman said. "It will take a couple of hours. Be patient." And then the signal was disconnected.

Relena grinned and got to her feet. "HEEEEROOO~OOOOO!"

Heero's head jerked up from where he had pushed Duo into the ocean. "Damn. I can't let her find me!" He jumped in after his koi and Wufei and Quatre both raised eyebrows.

She crashed through the jungle and right up to the water's edge. "Guess what? I got somebody on that communicator thingy!"

"Nani onna?" then Wufei snorted. "If Heero couldn't I doubt that you could."

Then both Heero and Duo both popped up from the water, out of breath.

"What's going on?" the braided one asked.

"Relena says that she's gotten someone on Heero's communicator," Quatre told him. "I don't know if it's true."

"I can prove it!" she cried as she ran back to her spot to retrieve it.

"Baka," Heero muttered.

Five minutes later the annoying princess returned. She sat down by the shore, pressing random buttons, and actually got the woman back.

"Hello?" she said loudly. "Are you there?"

"Hai? Ms. Peacecra-- er Peacecraft? Is this you?"

Quatre's eyes widened so much they took up most of his face. "Oh wow!"

Duo joined in his awe. "She's actually good for something!" Then his grin turned into a suspicious frown. "Isn't that a bad omen? Like 'Relena's useful, the apocalypse is coming'?"

While the boy stood in the shallow water, musing, Heero walked up to her and snatched the device from her lax grip. "Give me that!"

"Konichi-wa," Heero said. "Are you coming to rescue us?"

"Sure!" the woman replied cheerfully. "Marie Lee at your service! It's a good thing we were flying in the area too. I mean--"

Heero cut her off in mid-sentence. "How long will it take you to get here?"

"Like I told the girl, it should only take a few hours. We have to actually find you guys first. If * _you_ * could tell me, it would be a big help..."

"Mission Accepted[1]," Heero intoned.

The rest all sweatdropped.

"We are an hour and a half away from the island of Maui." He continued without paying a bit of attention to the others.

"Great!" Marie said cheerfully. "We'll be there in a little bit. Ja!"

"Nice onna," Wufei said sarcastically. "Is she related to you somehow Maxwell?"

"Shut up, * _Wuffie-chan_ *," Duo grinned.

"KISAMA!"

"Quiet!" Heero shouted. When the Wufei's outrage had calmed, he continued. "Now, we have a chance to leave this island and I don't want anyone messing it up."

Then Dorothy came back with Trowa trailing behind her. It was decided from the second day that if anyone could hunt prey it would be Freaky Eyebrow Girl. Who accompanied her was rotated. The pair carried several fish which they set on the sand before the group.

"What did we miss?" Trowa asked in that quiet voice of his. When Quatre spotted him, his blue eyes just lit up.

"Tro-chan!" he squealed as he ran to his koi. Dorothy stuck out a hand that hit him directly in the center of the forehead, halting him.

"Whoa!" she smirked. "Down boy!"

Trowa shot her a look that could make even Duo shut up and she glared right back. Quatre's eyes teared up instantly and he started to sniffle.

"Oh geez!" Duo moaned. "Here it comes!"

"Th-th-that was mean!" the little blond boy choked out. "I was just happy to see my Tro-chan!" Then the floodgates opened and the water poured out.

Trowa was at his side almost immediately, trying to calm him. "It's okay Little One. Do not listen to the Catalonia woman..."

Quatre just clung to his koibito as if he were scared he was going to leave him and sobbed his little heart out.

Relena snorted at the pathetic scene while Duo frowned in the other blond's direction. 

"Why'd ya go and do that? You know that he's sensitive!"

"Sad is more like it," Dorothy mentioned as she turned away. "I don't know how you pilots put up with it."

"That's enough onna!" Wufei snapped. "You will not talk that way about one of my comrades again."

"He's right. Now will you people please let me continue?!" Heero shouted at the end of his patience. When no one spoke he almost smiled. "That's better. Now, we have to gather all of our supplies and things so that when Ms. Lee comes, we'll be all ready to go. NOW MOVE YOUR ASSES!!"

"Yes sir!" Duo mock saluted as he patted his koi on the butt and ran off laughing. Heero turned an unnatural shade of red as the others teased him.

The rest of the time was spent packing up their gear. Everything from Relena's entire collection to Heero's meager possessions was brought to the most clear part of the small island.

"Now all we do is wait," Quatre sighed.

And wait they did.

Eventually one hour passed, then two. And finally Relena let out a shriek that caused all of the tropic birds to take wing.

"NANI?!" Duo screamed as he jumped from his place on Heero's lap.

"I left my purse. I need to go and get it."

"Baka onna," Wufei muttered.

"I'll go with you," Dorothy said quickly.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't!" Duo called after them.

"Duo," Trowa began, "that's basically telling them that they can do whatever they want."

His grin turned maniacal. "I know."

***

Dorothy whistled somewhat innocently as they walked through the jungle.

"So," she began casually, "did you really need to get your purse?"

"Hai," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

Dorothy snatched her hand back from near Relena's shoulder as the other girl glanced at her.

"Oh, no reason."

I don't want you Dorothy," Relena suddenly spoke up.

"Uh nani?" she asked somewhat weakly.

"I know what you're up to. Do you think that I'm stupid?"

Dorothy decided not to dignify that one with a response.

"You're an okay friend and all," the Queen of the World continued, "but I'm not interested in girls. Heero's the one for me."

Dorothy moaned and slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand. "Relena-sama, may I please be blunt?" she asked returning to her professional and all-too-polite manner.

"Why, of course."

"You're the biggest baka on the planet."

Relena whirled around. "EXCUSE ME?!"

Dorothy grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard. "He doesn't want you! He has Duo Maxwell, the fine specimen that he is, and he's satisfied. Why in the world would he trade him for anyone else?"

Relena's face fell and her groupie hurried to lessen the pain.

"What I mean is this: his heart is spoken for and neither you nor anyone else could ever change that."

"I see," Relena spoke softly. "Well let's go get my purse now."

The two girls walked a little further until they came to a fairly large clearing. While Relena rooted around in the grass for her object, the sound of engines could be heard in the distance.

"She's coming!" Dorothy gasped.

Relena popped her head up from the grass. "NANI?!"

Soon Marie had landed the plane and that was around the time Relena found her purse. She stood and glanced at the aircraft in some distaste.

"What," she wrinkled her nose. "is that thing?"

The airplane was small and only had enough room for less than 20 people. On each side, in faded black letters, was the name "Hope".

"My plane missy!" Marie jumped down and walked over to her. "Is there a problem?"

"Hai! There's no champagne or caviar! I demand an explanation!"

Marie snorted. "Listen rich girl, my plane is fine! Now, if you don't want my help just say so."

Relena raised her head high and crossed her arms across her chest. "Maybe I don't. You're rude and a peasant besides."

"Relena-sama, I don't think that this is the wisest course of action..."

"Quiet! I know what I'm doing!"

"I'm leaving," Marie got back into her airplane. "You can just find another way from this island. Adios. And see you in Hell," she added at the last moment.

"Only if you get there first!"

The plane's engines roared to life as she slowly taxied across the ground and took to the air.

"You'll make it off somehow," Marie shouted to them. "Just not any time soon!" She cackled until she was out of hearing range.

"Iie!" Dorothy shouted after her. "Come back! Please?"

The five pilots crashed into the clearing at that exact moment.

"What happened? Did she come?" Quatre asked, panting.

"Hai," the platinum blond answered. "Relena-sama told her off. Marie got mad and left."

There was shocked silence for a moment until it was broken by several angry voices.

"KISAMA!" Wufei.

"OMAE O KOROSU!" This was from you know who.

"YOU BAKA!" Duo's addition to the outrage.

"..." Guess who that was from.

Quatre didn't say anything. But his eyes were taking on a deadly gleam. Trowa recognized it immediately and moved away.

"Uh guys," he said hesitantly. "Quatre's going ZERO."

That alerted everyone and they all took cover.

"He's gonna blow!" Duo shouted as he dragged Heero behind a large boulder, Wufei dove behind a palm tree and Dorothy ran a little ways back where they had come from.

"Quatre... Little One," Trowa said soothingly trying to calm him. "It's okay..."

"No it's not Trowa," he said eerily calm. "She must die. That is the only way for outer space to be safe."

The others sweatdropped slightly as he spoke.

"Is anyone else seeing deja vu here?" Duo whispered before Heero yanked his braid.

"But Little One..."

"NO!" he pulled a machine gun from out of nowhere (or perhaps he was just borrowing Heero's spandex space) and pointed it at Relena. "DIE YOU BITCH!!"

"HEEROOOOO~OOOOO!" she screamed.


	7. Chapter 7

Relena turned fearful eyes towards Heero Yuy, hoping for some help. He just sighed and pressed a certain pressure point on Quatre's neck, effectively knocking him out. Duo pouted openly at the events, he was hoping for Relena to die.

"If I would have let Quatre kill him, he would have hated me when he regained his senses," Heero said by way of explanation. Wufei agreed.

"I just would not have been right. We'll just keep trying to leave. Maybe I can get home by my birthday next year at the latest."

"THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" Came a frustrated shout, they all were shocked to see it was Trowa. "I am so sick and tired of this! Listening to Relena whine, Dorothy complain, and Duo pout because of lack of sex."

Duo frowned. "Stop telling my personal business man."

"It's not like it's a secret!" He threw up his hands. "You shout it every day!"

Wufei snorted. "That's not the only thing he shouts."

"And you," Trowa spun. "With your 'kisamas' and your nosebleeds! By now, you should be drained of every blood cell in your body!"

"I won't strike you because you are a friend, but I will demand an apology."

"There are a number of phrases that he can say in this situation," Duo commented. "I know which words I would choose."

Trowa glared and looked him straight into the eyes. "Fuck you."

Duo nodded. "Yep. Those are the ones."

Wufei blinked once and blinked again. "That was unexpected."

"Trowa, what is wrong with you? Will this hamper your ability to complete the mission? You can't be a liability now." Heero asked in monotone.

Duo sweatdropped. "What mission? What are you talking about Hee-chan?"

"The mission to leave this island."

Trowa remained silent, his eyes as blank as always. Bending down, he picked his koibito up gently and disappeared into the jungle.

"Oh he's silent *now*!" Dorothy said with a snort. "How moronic."

Relena was still white as a sheet from her earlier near death. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted, everyone leaving her there. As they walked in the direction that Trowa had headed off to, Duo made an observation.

"You know what guys? I think he used up his word allotment for the entire year!"

***

Duo was bothering everyone again. He had been doing it on a regular basis, moving from person-to-person, in the search for something to do. He would always start with his koibito and getting him to say more than three sentences was usually a really entertaining challenge.

"Heero?" Duo asked right after the mini-incident. The other boy just grunted in acknowledgement. "Why do you love me?"

That question actually left Heero Yuy speechless for a moment.

"What do you mean 'why do you love me'?"

Duo sat next to him on the sand. "I mean just what I said. You have to have at least one reason!"

Heero was confused. "You need to a reason to love someone?"

He nodded. "Like you love the way they talk or their personality."

Heero blinked and thought about it. "Actually, I love you because you're you."

Duo pouted. "That's not a reason!"

Quatre smiled at him. "It's enough for me Duo-chan."

Wufei agreed. "If you knew how different you actually were from everyone else, then you would accept his answer without a comment."

Quatre nodded. "It's your uniqueness that makes us all love you. Well, everyone except Dorothy and that bitch Relena." He said this all with a smile on his face.

Duo began to smile goofily and his eyes teared up. "I love you guys!" He glomped Heero. "Especially you koi."

"Oh gag me with a stick," Dorothy muttered.

Relena just glared fiercely and began to yell. "Don't touch my Heero!"

Quatre jumped immediately to his feet and glared death at her. "Do you want to shut up on your own or do I have to make you?"

Relena stood, unmoved. "I want to see you try."

Trowa grabbed the blond around his waist and lifted him away bodily. He raised an eyebrow at Relena. "This is the last time I'm going to safe your life. You act like you have a death wish or something."

"It's not right for my Heero to latch on to that braided freak! I think it's just a phase. He doesn't know how to express his love to me so he runs to the most annoying person on the face of this planet." She sniffed with disdain. "He won't have to say a word because Duo will do it for him."

Suddenly the probably fake blond was surrounded and it wasn't friendly. They were like sharks in the Pacific and she was their main course.

"I am so tired of your stupidity Relena," Heero growled. "We all are! I don't love you. I've never loved you. I will never love you. Get that through your tiny brain!"

She began to sniff. "You don't mean that..."

Dorothy rolled her eyes and smacked the Peacecrap bitch as hard as she could. "Get a clue!"

Duo was about to yell at her when he tripped over the huge thing that was her purse. A lot of things spilled out and one of them was very useful to the current situation. Duo froze and bent down to pick it up.

It was a cell phone.

He was enraged for an all new reason now because all of that time they spent trying to escape and she had a damn cell phone in her purse. He lunged at her, grabbing her neck in a firm grip, and raising the small device to her face.

"What is this?!"

She glared. "It's a cell phone, baka. What do you think it is?"

He tightened his grip until her air supply was cut off. "This bitch had this phone the whole time."

Wufei picked it up and turned it on. "And the battery isn't dead."

Trowa just groaned silently and released his koi who then began to beat the crap out of Relena. Everyone stepped away and began to talk.

"Well, I say we call Pagan." Trowa suggested. "He would come and get us for sure. Besides, they have to be looking for us."

"Do you know the number?"

He shook his head. "Somehow, Relena doesn't strike me as a person who could remember phone numbers. Check the memory."

"She doesn't look a person who could put numbers in the memory either," Wufei commented.

"Try it anyway."

As Heero dialed up her butler, Quatre was once again pulled away. This time by Duo.

"Wait Q-chan. I have the best idea in history and it would be greater if she were alive for it."

Quatre was beyond all rationality. He just wanted to kill her. Relena had bruises all over her body, a broken nose, and a busted lip. And the blond boy was just getting started. He had planned on killing her as slowly as possible to ensure a good torture experience.

"What's the plan Duo," He said after he got better control over himself. Duo explained it in great detail, Relena yelling and screaming all the while. Soon Heero got off the phone and motioned for them to come closer.

"He said that he'll be here in a little while. Pagan also said that there were a lot of people searching for us and," He jerked his thumb at Relena. "that."

They all sat down on the sand to wait as Quatre gleefully retrieved some salt water to rub in Relena's raw wounds.

***

They had finally loaded up all of their belongings on the helicopter Pagan had arrived in that was blissfully black and not pink.

"That color is nauseating." Pagan told them. "I think that's why Pepto-Bismol is that color."

Duo laughed. "Nicely put."

As the chopper rose into the air, everyone waved bye-bye to the lone figure tied to a palm tree. Relena was bound and gagged by Dorothy (who had realized that loving Relena was a big mistake. She decided to try for Sally Po or Lucrezia Noin) and Duo and beaten up a little more by Quatre. She wiggled and squirmed against her strong bonds but could not get free at all.

A Shinigami smile came over Duo's face. "See you in Hell!" He called to her. "I'll be there waiting to torture you more!" And everyone laughed as he form became a small dot on the island.


End file.
